


How Can I Learn How To Love Myself?

by DJ_Hyperfresh



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-14 00:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJ_Hyperfresh/pseuds/DJ_Hyperfresh
Summary: Tomoe decides to skip school for nearly a whole week, blaming it on illness. Himari visits her on a Friday evening to check on Tomoe, only for her to pour out her hidden feelings.





	How Can I Learn How To Love Myself?

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that Tomoe is slightly out of character due to her implied depression in this writing.

“Tomoe?” The peach-haired girl called out. Her body hid behind the door as her head peeked out of it. Her jade eyes shined brightly as she made eye-contact with the slim girl who sat on her bed, clothed with blue-stripped pajamas. She kept her head down, ignoring the call.  
“Where have you been for the past three days?” The girl added. She walked into the room and gently closed the door behind herself. She kneeled at the side of the bed where her friend sat.   
“It’s Friday. who cares.”  
“You missed Wednesday and Thursday too. The band misses you. Your classmates miss you, Tomoe.” Tomoe shifted her dark gaze onto her friend who sat kneeling on the ground and sighed.   
“Himari,” Tomoe spoke. She paused and hummed for a while.   
“You know I have been sick.”  
“No, you weren’t.”  
“How do you know?”  
“It’s obvious to me. I see you all the time you know.” Himari puffed her cheeks and crossed her arms.  
“Well, I guess it’s not obvious to everyone else then,” Tomoe responded. She patted her bedsheets, motioning for Himari to hop onto her bed, which she did. She sat criss-cross on the comforters, looking Tomoe straight in the eyes. Her big, soft, round eyes made it hard for Tomoe to look away.  
“I’m not sure where to begin,” Tomoe’s voice cracked.   
“What’s wrong? I know you’re hiding something.” Himari’s eyes squinted as she inspected Tomoe’s face.  
“I better say it bluntly then. I want to run away. I want to get away from my family and be free for once without having responsibility. It’s always something I had dreamed of.”   
“Why?”  
“I have my reasons,” Tomoe said. She felt a hand on her own as she noticed that small tears were wetting the bedsheets. She looked up from under her knees and noticed how red her friend’s face was. The tears dripped down her eyes like a running faucet that had been broken.  
“Please don’t go,” Himari cried. Tomoe responded with silence and shifted her focus onto the wall behind her.  
“You say these things a lot. I know you’re hurting and you never tell me. So please speak up now. The band would be mortified if you were hurt, your sister would be too, but I would be the one hurt the most.”   
She responded with silence once more.  
“Your passion is gone. Your drumming is gone. And you are gone.” Himari’s voice was dreadful. The sobs grew louder as her finger’s tightened around Tomoe’s. She used her free hand to wipe her tears onto her school blazer’s sleeve.   
“Quite now, we wouldn’t want my sister to hear you,” Tomoe cooed. She reached an arm over Himari’s back and pulled her closer to her own body. The smaller girl was surprisingly warm, despite it being a harsh winter outside. The redhead rested her chin on the peach-haired girl and sighed deeply.   
“You have soft hair.”  
“That’s n-not what this is a-a-about…”   
“I know.” Tomoe felt a smile creep on her face. She never realized why she feared so much having to face reality. It was nice seeing her best friend every once and awhile. She had isolated herself mentally for so long, she forgot what it was like to be human. The warmth of another person, another girl, another friend by her side filled her heart with joy.   
“Thank you.”  
“W-W-Why? Why thank me for c-crying?” Himari spoke between sobs.  
“Thank you for accompanying me today.” Tomoe squeezed Himari’s hand back. She blinked a bit as her vision became blurred. After blinking a few times, her eyes were met with a surprise. Tears too had been streaming down her cheeks. She had been unaware as her happiness took over her depression. Her crystal blue eyes shined against the evening light which lightened the room. Himari’s sobs began to quiet down, concluding her mild-meltdown.   
“I’m sorry. That was extremely embarrassing for me.”  
“I’ve seen more embarrassing things before, you know.”  
“Oh, please don’t remind me.” Himari giggled. Tomoe looked at the girl in her arms and felt her own cheeks warm up.   
“I wish it could be like this forever.”  
“Just you and I?”  
“Yeah. I wouldn’t run away if it were so.”  
“Then that’s it. I’m moving in starting now,” Himari boldly responded. Tomoe giggled softly. Himari looked at the girl who was wrapped around her, shielding her from the outside as if she were a protector of some sort. Their huddle was mildly warm, but Tomoe could care less. She already was cold from the lack of social interactions with anyone ever.   
“I love you,” Tomoe said.  
“I love you too.”  
“No, I mean it. I love you.”  
“And I mean it too.”  
Tomoe hummed quietly.   
“I mean I love you. I love you beyond than a friend. I love you in the way I want to run away from my family. I want to love you and be able to without my friends, family, my sister, and you hating me.”  
This time, Himari was the one who did not respond. She looked blankly into Tomoe’s eyes and tilted her head as if to say "why?"  
“And I truly can’t love you. I can’t. It’s wrong. I would never anyways. I’m sorry. The one I should learn to love the most is myself before I can love anyone else anyways.”   
“No,” Himari grunted. She blinked and sighed. She brought Tomoe’s hand close to her chest and took a deep breath.   
“No. Don’t be sorry. I want to run away with you then. I know it’s wrong, we both do. That’s okay with me. I can be the one who you show that side too, and I’ll show my side to you whenever you want me too. I’ll run away from your family, friends, and Ako. I’ll run away from Afterglow.”  
“Himari, we can’t. We can’t run away from Ako, we can’t run away from Afterglow. We can’t run away from our band build upon childhood friends. We would be throwing years of friendship down the trash.” Tomoe’s voice cracked with guilt and anger.   
“Then why?”  
“Why what?”  
“Say it in the first place.”  
“Because-” before Tomoe could finish, Himari had cut her off.   
“It’s not justifiable, Tomoe. We can’t run away from this problem. You know you can’t. You’ve been fighting yourself so long based on views other people hold about you. You shouldn’t have to worry about what they think, Tomoe. You are wonderful and completely capable of doing whatever you want to do. I love you for your passion and fire. You shine so brightly when you perform. Everyone knows that the drums and bass make the best duo.”  
“Himari…” Tomoe gulped. She told herself she wouldn’t cry. Not again. She had already cried too many times in front of Himari, even if it was just one time. Her hand shook as she tried to hold tightly onto her friend’s hand.  
“It’s okay.” Himari shushed. “Let it all out.” Tomoe bit her bottom lip as she stared into Himari’s bright green eyes which were sad too. Tomoe quietly whimpered as she closed her eyes. The pain she had built up for slowly came out through small tears which burned with salt against her dry skin.   
“How? How am I going to tell them?”  
“Tell them what?”  
“That I like you.” Tomoe’s voice was tinged with agony. “It hurts so much to have to like you. I wish I could change it, I feel so ugly.” Her whimpers grew into wails. Himari moved closer to Tomoe’s chest and rested her head on her chest. Tomoe pulled closer to Himari’s body as she cried.  
“You won’t ever need to tell them until we get married,” Himari teased. The redhead felt a smile slowly creep on her face as she tasted the salty tears that had streamed down her face.   
“I think I finally learned how to love myself,” Tomoe replied. She patted Himari’s back and slowly rubbed it. Her sobs quieted down as she calmed herself slowly and steadily. Himari wrapped her arms around the crying girl and smiled.  
“Please come back to school next week then. Come back to band practice. You know we all miss you.” Himari brushed up against the sleeve of Tomoe’s pajama, revealing scars of past injury. Tomoe panicked and quickly pulled down her sleeve.  
“Maybe if I feel better soon, I’ll come back one day.” Tomoe smiled.


End file.
